“I don’t want to mess up my kids”
I hear this a lot from dads.
It’s a beautiful expression in a way.
The sentiment I take away from it is “I love my kid so much, and I know I’m not perfect and I’m afraid that my mistakes will have irreversible negative impacts on my kid.”
There might be a hint of “I think I’m a messed up person.” I hope not , but a lot of us have a voice somewhere in our head saying that, even if we don’t believe it, or try not to believe it.
Sometimes we say things off the cuff without thinking about it too much. But sometimes those things we say point to hidden beliefs and subconscious orientations towards life/parenting/ourselves.
There are two hidden statements underneath here worth examining.
My love is not enough - loving my child with all my heart and working each day to do my best as a parent won’t be enough.
I don’t see how resilient my child (and the human spirit in general) is - I’ve forgotten that built into our DNA is a potent quality of strength and resilience capable of facing tremendous adversity.
Whenever I hear myself say something like this, if I catch it, I try to better understand what’s underneath it. Then, I reframe it to match what I really mean. When I don’t catch it myself, I’m lucky if a friend or a therapist or a coach or a Council of Fathers member, catches in and points it out for me. It takes a village.
Instead of “I don’t want to mess up my kid”?
How does it feel to say, “I want to do my best to provide my kid with everything they need to thrive in life”
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